Fluffy Mashed Potatoes

You don't even need a story for mashed potatoes. Everyone loves them. But fluffy is tricky. Do it this way and Bob's your uncle.

 M-A-S-H-I-E-S

Always use russet potatoes

(they're the brown ones)

Peel them

(now they're white)

Don’t cut them too small (each potato into six pieces--you do the math)

Salt the dickens out of the water

Boil those babies!

Drain when soft—not too soft

PUT EM BACK IN THE POT

DO IT NOW: BACK IN THE POT

Put the pot back on the burner turned down to medium

Let the heat steam out the excess water (this is the magic sentence here, this is where the fluff happens)

Mash 'em around

Keep the steam coming for a few minutes

Now you can pour in HOT milk and melted butter

Salt it like you mean it

(Don't be a wuss*, seriously, salt the shit, aight?)

Whip it good

Wash the pot quick, stuff hardens like cement

*wuss--1982 movie script, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Mike Damone: You are a wuss: part wimp, and part pussy (Online Etymology Dictionary, http://www.etymonline.com/)

Warning: Ladies, don't let any drop down your shirt, it'll leave little pieces everywhere as it tumbles. You'll feel cold potatoey all day. Trust me. Or, wear a turtleneck.